Cake Mania DS

Chances are you’ve played the online incarnation of Cake Mania in the past. Its cheery, quick paced gameplay is perfectly suited for wasting 10 minutes before your next high powered meeting. It smacks of the brand of gaming that would suit Nintendo’s devilishly clever DS down to the ground. With the DS seemingly in the grasp of every man, woman, and child you see wandering the streets, a simple, cheery game like this sounds like a perfect fit. Its budget price also seems to point towards it becoming yet another DS essential.

As Jill, you’re tasked with building up and maintaining a nice little cake shop. People seem to be hugely fond of artery clogging deserts in Cake Mania’s sweet little world, and you’re never at a loss for customers eager to stuff their fat faces. You’ll spend the majority of your time slaving away over a hot oven and crafting some special toppings for certain customers. Well, when we say craft, we mean prod a few touch screen buttons to select a certain shape and colour.

That’s the biggest problem with Cake Mania. Despite the budget price, the meagre money you’d shell out to pick this up should still make you expect something with at least a little depth. Every cake, no matter how complicated, descends into a handful of button prods and pokes while watching the timer slowly tick along. A little depth has been artificially added by the inclusion of certain customers who demand speedy service and will pay accordingly for such. Other than that, the levels differ in no great manner.

The budget price shows in the visuals too, which are colourful but grainy and downright ugly at points. Considering you’ll be staring at the same screen displaying your shop for 99% of the game, this lack of visual clarity is grating. Equally as irritating are the simply shockingly lowly standards shown by the music that tinkles along in the background. You’ll be prodding your volume control right down the very bottom aolmost as soon as you load up this shockingly bad title.

No matter how obsessed you are with your DS, this isn’t a desert based Cooking Mama. Leave this bland food stuff on the shelf, and pick one of the more tasty DS delicacies.

Bioshock

Hype is a terrible thing. No matter how you try to escape its terrifying grasp, it always seems to swallow you whole and carry you along on an almost immeasurable wave of optimism. Bioshock has been hyped to the moon and back a thousand times over. Screenshots have dazzled with the kind of astonishing beauty we once could have only dreamed about. Dribbles of information have built up hopes that this could be the game that we’ve always craved.

The recent demo, however, seemed to dampen spirits a touch, with the appearance of being little more than a Doom style FPS with prettier aesthetics. While the demo did assure us that the visual and aural representations of Rapture would indeed be up to the dizzying heights we all wish for, it did not even vaguely begin to give a hint of the sheer talent that the developers previously known as Irrational Games truly possess. Yes, the final game not only looks and sounds incredible, but the overall presentation of this titile will leave fans of the FPS shocked at its outstanding polish.

Despite the dizzying amount of detail ploughed into every square inch of Rapture, it never fails to feel anything other than a truly solid world. While a lot of visually impressive games have fallen into the “uncanny valley” trap, the absolute decay and destruction held in this underwater empire restrict Bioshock from even getting close to the edge, never mind dropping into this potential pitfall. The plasmid system, which could so easily have become nothing more than keys to unlock the next half hour of gaming delight, is so much more. The variety of ways to best one of the terrifying “Big Daddy’s” utilising the many special abilities makes Bioshock stand taller than even the most in-depth modern RPG.

The script takes you out of the action by allowing the story to be told via discarded tapes and your Irish compatriot, all while allowing you to continue pressing on. This only increases the tension and craving to see what devilish delights await you around the next corner. There are moments you’ll freeze in fear as you spot a terrifying shadow lurking around the next bend. You’ll be hit with the sudden realisation that no two encounters with the variety of nasties that populate Rapture will ever be alike. It all culminates in a title created with imagination and unadulterated class.

For once, push your misgivings to the back of your mind and simply dazzle yourself with the first next-gen gaming experience to prove that all the hype has been worth it. The world of Rapture deserves to be experienced time and time again.

Qwak

Addiction can be a terrible thing. It’s ruined lives and torn families apart. So it’s strange how many games have the term ‘addictive’ bandied about so easily when it can have so many detrimental affects. Qwak, from Team 17, the creators of the stunning Alien Breed series, is one such title that can only be labelled as obscenely addictive.

Released on the Amiga way back in the early nineties, it reminds us of that Taito classic, Bubble Bobble. In much the same ilk as that much fondly remembered title, Qwak was much more fun in multiplayer mode. Across 80 stages, your task was simple in essence, but devilishly addictive in practice. Tossing eggs around with the kind of eagerness you only come to expect from the young ‘uns at Halloween, your duck avatar had to collect keys in order to progress to the next more challenging level, as well as bagging as much fruit as possible to up your score. What else would you expect from, erm, ducks?

Simple? Certainly. Easy? Not on your nelly. Though the 80 stages spread across 8 levels were random within each collection of 10, the jump to the next step on the ladder most certainly was not easy. That’s not taking into account the various ways to up your score, the most notable of which was a hefty points bonuses you’d achieve for “peacefully” beating the level.

The levels certainly didn’t lack style, with a sublime explosion of colour adorning each and every stage through the game’s hefty length. There might not have been any of the immense graphical trickery which was starting to make an appearance on the powerful 16-bit consoles of the time, but that never stopped Qwak from being quite an exciting sight to witness in action.

The graphics never mattered though, and matters even less so now in these heady days of quad core processors. What made Qwak was its astonishing ability to keep you coming back for more. You might have failed at a single level a dozen times, but you’ll still find yourself loading it straight back up almost the instant you switched off your Amiga. It’s so good, that a recent mini re-release has appeared for the GBA, which you can find out about at www.qwak.co.uk. It’s firmly restricted to 300 copies however, so you’d better be quick.

To nab the words of Matt Broughton in the original review found in issue 62 of The One Amiga, Qwak is “brilliantly simple, simply brilliant.”

PaRappa The Rapper

Ports of titles that have already made solid homes for themselves on the “big boy” consoles have almost been the downfall of the sleek PSP. Though the power held inside that sexy black casing can’t be questioned, it’s still running too few original titles for my liking. Which all means that I approached PaRappa The Rapper with more than a mere hint of fear. Though a rapping dog proved to be an exquisite title on the PS1 and was successful enough to spawn a sequel, this PSP release is simply a remake of the original with a few added tweaks.

For the uninitiated, PaRappa The Rapper stars a rapping dog by the name of Parappa, who utilises the power of rap to woo a strangely sunflower-like girl by the name of Sunny. It sounds a little hokey, and maybe even obscenely childish for a generation gamers obsessed with Gears, and God of War, but it gives birth to some glorious tunes to hum along to. Released before we were all well aware of what a rhythm action game was all about, PaRappa seems much more simplistic than the current kings of the genre. After first viewing the button presses required, you simply repeat the pattern that the on screen character you’re starring alongside utters. Luckily, the raps themselves, and your fellow characters, are of such a high standard that they make what could have been an incredibly simplistic title into something astonishingly enjoyable.

Released at a price mid-way between full and budget status, Parappa The Rapper on the PSP does exactly what you’d expect. The visuals have been given a slight tweak, seemingly much more rounded than the angular originals. A few extra downloadable stages are available to add to the mere 6 that comes on the UMD, but that’s all in terms of changes. Which leaves PaRappa in a strange state. Fans of the original might crave some “kick, punch,” action on the move, but the price makes the small tweaks seem entirely insignificant for quite a chunky financial outlay. Equally so, those who have never seen or heard of the game previously will no doubt find its simplistic gameplay massively dated, and hence are encouraged to pick up the original for the spare change it regularly goes for on eBay.

Good try Sony, but you might have been better making this available as a cheap download for PS3 owners instead. We might not feel so cheated then.

Alien Syndrome

I sincerely hope I will always be able to look back on life and consider myself a fair and honest man. During those last few moments of my life, I intend to find myself able to think back and smile as I ponder all those decent acts I’ve performed in helping my friends and family. Which begs the question: will the developers of this update of ye olde Sega classic Alien Syndrome be able to do the same?

Those of you under the age of 25 may not know much of the Alien Syndrome lineage. A top-down perspective arcade-like title, packed to the very brim with hectic blasting action that might not have been enthralling enough for me to call it a long term classic but was definitely engaging enough for me to look forward to this update two decades after its initial appearance. The only problem is, after having played the newest version, I sincerely wish they hadn’t bothered. Alien Syndrome on the Wii is absolute rubbish.

The signs, at least initially, were good. The top down view remains, as does the hectic gunning action. Even a hint of RPG like customisation has been blended in to make what could have been a shallow affair become packed with more in terms of long term appeal. Sadly, these signs proved to be mere illusions after a few minutes of play.

Taking the newly introduced element to start with – the RPG elements – it won’t be long before you realise that all isn’t quite what it seems. Though your choice of class seems fairly wide at the start of the game, you must be sure to pick the best class to suit your abilities. As you progress through the drab, visually pathetic levels, you’ll unlock points to spend on upgrading your character. The only problem is, Alien Syndrome quickly descends into leaving you no option but to be a master of one class only, as points spent on unlocking new options are wasted on wildly under powered weaponry.

Chances are, however, that you’ll have long tired of the desperate slog long before you get the chance to upgrade. The visuals are drab and colourless at best and shockingly PS1-esque at worst. Equally as dull is the level design, which usually consists of merely of collecting the required coloured keycard to reach the end of the level, all while destroying masses of look-a-like enemies.

As a fan of the original, I’d adore to be able to state that this is a fantastic update of a long forgotten classic. Instead, however, I believe someday I would find myself resting most uncomfortably if I uttered a single good word about this title. Avoid at all costs.

The Darkness

Oh no, not another license based gaming action romp. Nothing makes my gaming days turn sour quicker than a dodgy and swiftly knocked up licensed title dropping on to my doormat with all the charm of a particularly smelly skunk. So it was with more than a hint of apathy that I shoved The Darkness into my Xbox 360. Amazingly, this particularly unpleasant feeling wasn’t to last too long. You see, The Darkness is something that we fail to witness too often in these heady days of HD gaming goodness - pure unbridled fun.

It takes only a few minutes of loading the game up before you’re involved in a car chase, blasting away at the goon thugs that are chasing your speedy vehicle. Playing as Jackie Estacado, you’re on the run from the local crime family. The only problem is, the head of this family just happens to be your very own uncle. Not quite one to be ‘family of the year’, that’s for certain.

To spice up what could have very easily transpired to be a very much by-the-numbers action title, there’s a little thing called ‘The Darkness’ to consider. Two snake-like beings snapping and snarling at Jackie’s side crank it up a notch. There’s nothing that ‘The Darkness’ enjoys more than ripping a human’s still-beating heart clean out of his chest and devouring the entire thing. It’s safe to say this isn’t exactly suitable to be viewed by younger gamers. Best make sure this title is only put on the living room TV once the kiddies are safely tucked up in bed.

It isn’t all purely horrible grotesque action though. There’s a decent story prompting you along, and one that will no doubt keep you intrigued all the way through to its messy conclusion. It’s not quite Tolstoy, but it sure beats the hell out of the plots offered with most games of this ilk. Another big plus point is the sheer dazzling quality of the visuals on offer. Like the early Xbox 360 hit, Condemned, there’s a hefty sense of dense atmosphere as well as some superbly detailed dark artwork.

The Darkness is clearly recommended. Though the gun play might be a trifle dull, the inclusion of these dark powers turn what could have been mildly tedious into a thrilling action adventure.

Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition

So what is Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition? A re-make? A re-imagination of a classic title? Or a simple lazy cash-in? There’s not really an easy answer. Well, other than it’s most certainly not the latter.

The obvious conclusion is that this new ‘Wii Edition’ is the definitive version of what’s almost universally known as one of the best games of the last decade.  Combining the outstanding visuals of the Gamecube original, the multitude of hidden content added to the PS2 version, and the use of the Wii’s innovative control method, it’s blatant that this is indeed the complete package.

At first glance, it seems that time has not been too kind in terms of the visual nature of Resident Evil 4.  Despite  a slight drop in visual clarity when compared to the newly HD-ready console generation, there are very few titles out there that can cram in so much dense atmosphere.  Every area you’ll be blasting away in has its own unique charm, and with the lights turned down low throughout the game, there are scares a plenty.

Unlike previous Resident Evil titles, this latest addition to the series focuses more on combat than on brain teasing puzzles. Ammo is indeed still reasonably scarce enough to cause a few tense moments, particularly during the ‘siege’ sections as there are always masses of enemies to dispatch. This change of the focal point is a fantastic idea, particularly with the new control method.  Using the Nunchuk to move and the Remote to aim your weapon brings a whole new realm of enjoyment to what was already a stunning title.

There are one or two problems, unfortunately. One is the strange lack of ability to move things around in your inventory via the Remote.  The second, perhaps more of a game design point, is the sheer number of times you’ll frantically end up firing at the floor or way up in the sky when surprised by  enemies jumping out at you.

There really is no excuse not to own this title, particularly at the budget price it’s on sale for now.  An essential purchase for all Wii owners out there, even if you’ve already played through the previous versions, Resident Evil 4 is a classic video game, retold.

Colin McRae DiRT

With Forza Motorsport 2 wowing racing fans with its realistic driving style, DiRT, the latest in a long line of rallying games, has been pushed a little towards the back of most gamer’s thoughts. You daft sods.

Unlike previous Colin McRae titles that concentrated purely on rallying against the clock, DiRT tosses in a plethora of other modes to test your mettle.  Like Codemaster’s other big racing series, TOCA, DiRT contains all kinds of vehicles from rally cars to huge big rigs; there’s tonnes to sink your teeth into.

Thankfully, despite this huge number of different vehicle types, the good old straight rallying that’s kept us enthralled since the PS1 remains fully intact. As dull as driving purely against the clock sounds on paper, it’s surprisingly one of the best brands of racing experience that gaming still has on offer. Beating your rival’s time by a matter of a few tiny second increments brings about a sense of joy that few other games can compare with.

Luckily for us racing fanatics, the actual handling of each vehicle is easily up to the high quality that the rest of the game shows.  Hurling a rally car around a tight hairpin and rushing along tight courses at ridiculously high speeds simply feels ‘right’.  It’s blatant that the lessons learned over a series of rally game creations has been put to perfect use here to make this the best feel of driving goodness that the Codemasters have so far offered.

That’s not the only portion of the game that is the best it’s ever been.  The jump to the next gen consoles has given DiRT the kind of visual clarity that those who remember the PS1 games could only dream about.  Mud flies around your car, messing up your previously clean bonnet.  Bumpers crumple and bend as you smash into an ill positioned sign post.  Its right up there with Forza, even beating Microsoft’s epic in numerous gorgeous ways.

Sadly, the online racing isn’t all it could have been, with far too few modes on offer.  As a single player racer though, this is one of the muddiest and best.  Racing fans who don’t mind muddying up their four wheeled beauties will find it well worth shelling out for.

Red Ring of Death

On June 20, 2007, something terrible happened. Upon switching on my trusty Xbox 360 for another try at blasting away thousands of giant killer ants in Earth Defence Force 2017 – a game that you all must try unless you fancy a beating from a Yorkshireman – the console simply refused to turn on. Strange, I pondered as I tapped the button once more, only to be blown away by what happened next. Yep, it was the good old Ring of Red.

Now my original plan was to overly criticise Microsoft and their sheer reluctance to admit to the blatant design flaw. This fault is purely due to the heat created in the console and the loosening of one particularly ill placed chip inside. It’s causing thousands of consoles to be shipped out for repair every single day all around the world. Though I’m sure Microsoft Japan is fine, what with only 7 consoles sold to date.

Midway through this column, however, Microsoft announced that not only are they extending the warranty time for this particular fault to 3 years but they will also refund the obscene cost of repair that some of us have been charged. Which, yes, is indeed good of them, but while they spend all this cash to keep us swapping machines every couple of months, why aren’t they redesigning the inside of the 360 console itself in order to prevent this particular fault? Rumours state that with the new ‘Falcon’ chip to be used in future Xbox 360 consoles, the Ring of Red may very well be no more. Though with news that some Xbox 360 Elite consoles are already succumbing to the same fate, things still don’t look particularly healthy for Microsoft.

Thinking about it, I know of a good half dozen of my offline chums that have had to send back a 360 at least once. Add to that the dozens of online pals that have spent time offline thanks to their 360 heading for repair, and all this must be costing Microsoft a hell of a lot of cash.

At time of writing this closing – midday 19th July 2007 – there’s still no sign of my repaired 360 or my refund of my original repair costs. With delays of up to 8 weeks warned for us Europeans, it seems that the problem is worse than ever. If Microsoft doesn’t do something very soon, consumer confidence will disappear almost completely.

Guitar Hero 2

It’s hard to imagine what social gaming was like before the Guitar Hero series transformed our drunken gaming evenings. Did we really sit down and get things ready for some hectic one-on-one action at Street Fighter 2, when we could have just strummed a plastic guitar? After Guitar Hero caused masses of us to repeatedly throw the horns on the PS2, the inevitable sequel unsurprisingly became a multi-million seller. Undoubtedly you can still spot that tacky looking plastic guitar adorning a hefty number of living rooms. Read more

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