Fianl Fantasy XI

Ah Final Fantasy…Memories of the strangely overpowered red mage lobbing fireballs at unsuspecting slimes flood the mind. Several years and several enumerations later, we find ourselves at Final Fantasy XI (FFXI). It even comes with an expansion pack: Rise of the Zilart! It’s a two for one deal! Two reviews for the price of … well none. You know nothing goes better with Final Fantasy than a large pepperoni pizza and a few BAWLS energy drinks.

Final Fantasy XI and Rise of the Zilart are the first from the Final Fantasy series to hit the web in the MMOG genre. Released in mid-2002 on the PlayStation 2 and then ported to the PC later in the year, FFXI rocked many peoples’ faces off. But not mine. Man this pizza is really good!

The Wikipedia says:

“In its basic form, a pizza or occasionally “pizza pie” is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes. The cheese is usually mozzarella or sometimes “pizza cheese”. Various other foodstuffs can be added to this design as garnishes, most typically ground meats and sausages, such as salami, pepperoni, ham, bacon, and ground beef; fruits such as pineapple and olives, vegetable-like fruits such as chili peppers, sweet bell peppers, and tomatoes; and vegetables such as onions and mushrooms. The crust is traditionally plain but can be flavoured with butter, garlic, herbs, or sesame. Pizza is normally eaten hot (typically at lunch or dinner), but leftovers are often eaten cold, typically at breakfast or on a picnic.

Pizza is eaten in restaurants sometimes called “pizzerias” or “pizza parlors.” It can also be purchased in grocery stores or supermarkets. In many countries, pizza can also be ordered by phone or on the internet to be delivered, hot and ready for eating, to the home.”

My particular pepperoni pizza was ordered via phone, or “ear horn.”

The Wiki continues:

“According to the Associazione vera pizza napoletana, genuine Neapolitan pizza dough consists of wheat flour (type 0 and/or 00), natural yeast or brewer’s yeast, and water. For proper results, strong flour with high protein content (as used for bread-making rather than cakes) must be used. The dough must be kneaded by hand or with an approved mixer. After the rising process, the dough must be formed by hand without the help of a rolling pin or any other mechanical device, and may be no more than 0.3 cm thick. Baking the pizza must take place in a wood-fired, stone oven at 485°C (905°F) for 60-90 seconds. When cooked, it should be soft and fragrant.”

Now no good pizza is complete if not accompanied by a refreshing and energizing BAWLS energy drink. Each BAWLS bottle is hand crafted by archangels and then passed on to Jesus to be filled with the “essence of heaven.” Shipped to earth via FED EX, the bottles are then placed in key locations around the world to be bought by energy hungry patrons such as yourself. A few BAWLS at a LAN party is all you need to keep you lively and fragging till yonder sunset. This high-caffeine guarana beverage is not to be trifled with, so keep out of reach of children.

Watching ye ole’ figure? BAWLS has recently invented a sugar-free version of their heavenly masterpiece for your drinking pleasure. And each BAWLS energy drink has the same caffeinage as TWO of your “normal energy beverages.” So don’t worry! You can knock em’ back like PEZ and keep on rockin’ baby! Accompany either version of these fine drinks with a few BAWLS energy mints. They don’t freshen breath or whiten your smile but they pack a caffeinated kick you will come to love. Drop a few in a bottle of BAWLS and watch the volcano! WOOHOO!

Even red mage loves Pepperoni pizza and BAWLS. Wait … red mage. Red mage red mage … what were we talking about? Final something … final finish … final frontier … oh it was Final Fantasy XI! I almost forgot. The dated graphics and incredibly slow game play numbed my brain and had me rambling about pizza pie and energy drinks! I remember a few things. I remember trying to ask other players how to work the wonky controls but failing because there were only three people on our whole server. I remember the whining repetitive bagpipe music in the background that will haunt my dreams forever. I remember my cursor disappearing into thin air, and then reappearing after I was dead. Oh yes I remember playing Final Fantasy XI: Rise of the Zilart.

Sightings of real players where rare occurrences. In my twelve hours in game I probably encountered about 10 players. That means I saw an average of 0.83 players per hour. I’m not sure if that classifies as a MMOG, meaning massively multiplayer, but I’m inclined to think it doesn’t. While the game is not brand new, I wasn’t expecting to see the servers packed, but a lack of players on this scale shows a lack of a strong hook to keep people excited. Maybe I’m wrong … maybe I need to change my options under the menu and check “Show real players.” Maybe that’s the problem.

I have played basically every MMOG available to man, and all I’m saying here is that Final Fantasy XI brought nothing new and exciting to the table. You run, you kill rabbits, and you level up. I have done all this before time and time again, and while the battle system is said to be “drastically different,” it’s really just the same. So while FFXI may be the first FF title to reach online status, its also the first (and only) FF to reach my trash can. Maybe it’s the curse of playing four MMOGs in a month, but it’s a curse that Final Fantasy XI just doesn’t overcome. So, at the risk of angering the cult following behind Final Fantasy, I’ll say that I think FF belongs on the console and not on the web. But I think that most Final Fantasy fans will agree with me. I mean, for crying out loud, RED MAGE wasn’t even in it!

So, as I reach my last piece of pizza and the sun begins to sink I leave you with this: I love Final Fantasy and I love Red Mage. I also love pepperoni pizza and BAWLS. FFXI might have been a breakthrough for the franchise, but overall it felt stale and left me wanting much more. I don’t think Final Fantasy belongs on the web, but prove me wrong Square. Maybe Final Fantasy XXXXIII will rock my face off. Who knows?